Social Anxiety And Sex
I’ve had social anxiety symptoms for a few years now and I also have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). I am doing a good job at not letting it inhibit me and force myself into social situations even when I really don’t feel like being there. However, the monkey on my back over the past couple of years has been my social anxiety as it relates to dating and sex.
I am a 20 year old college student and have never engaged in any kind of sexual activity (although I have kissed girls before). I am a good looking guy and the majority of girls I’ve talked to have found me physically attractive. Last year I joined a fraternity on my college campus (one of the most challenging things I have ever put myself through).
Often times when I am around my fraternity brothers, they talk about the girls they have had sex with and who they would like to have sex with, and as you can imagine, this causes me to feel alienated on the inside due to my absence of sexual experience, and causes me to beat myself up internally knowing that I could too be enjoying sex if I didn’t let my social anxiety interfere with my dating life.
On top of typical social anxiety symptoms that I face around the girls I meet at my fraternity’s parties (mind going blank, running out of things to say, fear of showing physical attraction), I am intensely scared of the process of seducing a girl into having sex.
Firstly, I don’t have a room in the house and would be forced to have sex in an uncomfortable area like the basement laundry room (what position would I have sex in? how would I even get the girl to go there?). Secondly, I am fearful that I won’t get erect (I have watched porn but I have different fetishes than most and have also never actually masturbated). Thirdly, I am fearful of not knowing how to apply the condom properly and the condom breaking. This is a hump in my life that I’d really like to climb over but I don’t know how to go about it (especially given that the girls I meet at parties are most likely not virgins).
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Many people are afraid of having sex because they are afraid they wouldn’t be able to perform. They think that having sex must be magical. They create expectations for themselves that cannot be met. These expectations are usually a product of watching “movies” that present sex as something wild and crazy… movies that give you a wrong impression of sex.
These expectations can also be created by your peers. You say that they talk a lot about sex and how they do it. Many times these are just “white lies” that your peers use to establish their social status in the group. I’m not saying that everyone does that, but “crazy” sex that last 5 minutes is not really that great.
So, my advice would be to lower your expectations. Release the burden that you have to satisfy every woman you’re with.
And lower your expectations about the number of sexual partners you need to have. Believe me, most men actually multiply that number just to be seen more “cool”. Well, the sheer amount of sexual partners you have had doesn’t really make you cool. If anything, it makes you more likely to get an STD.
So always use a condom. If you don’t know how to put it on, buy a pack of condoms and a pack of bananas and practice. I’m sure you won’t need more than one banana and two condoms to “get it”. Also make sure to “google” how to do it. I’m certain you can find very detailed instructions.